Temescal's Fun!

I love my neighborhood, the north Oakland/Temescal district, despite its shadiness. At about 1 a.m., I heard some aggressive door pounding on the first floor. I live on the third, so it didn't bother me that much. I knew it was the crack whore that my neighbor impregnated and she just wanted to get his apartment. (Never thought I'd say something like that when I was growing up in the country in PA!) It got much louder around 2 a.m. and was accompanied by screaming. I don't know exactly what happened. All I could make out was: "I'm dying!" "Open the door, motherfucker!" "Bitch!" "Fuck!" The "I'm dying" thing bothered me so I called 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Uh, there's a lady in my building pounding on doors and screaming that she's dy--"

"On ____ street?"

"Yep."

"Someone's on their way."

I wanted to go downstairs and tell this bitch to shut the fuck up, but I didn't want to get dressed and confront her. Luckily, one of my neighbors didn't give a shit and told her to "Stay the fuck away from this building."

I don't think the cops ever showed.

Something wonderful happened the other day in my neighborhood. As I got ready to go the Punchline, I thought about what I needed to accomplish that week. For my monthly show at McNally's, I would need to buy a microphone. On my way to my car, I noticed three things lying on the sidewalk: a pair of khakis, an electric pencil sharpener, and A MICROPHONE in its box. I opened the box to make sure it contained a mike and not cockroaches or a finger, and sure enough, it did! I plugged it into Jennifer Justice's amp today to make sure it worked and it did.